Snack Time - Brains on a log

This isn't a real meal, so this isn't a real blog post.

Liv, who is completely adorable fictional character, eats bits of human brain over peanut butter on a chunk of celery.

And honestly? It was better than that tuna tomato.

I was prepared to hate it and tell you all about what a great food critic I've become! How much I've learned and changed my ways. But...I can't. I can't lie.

I ate it. The crab meat snackers had a nice lack of flavor that didn't distract from the peanut butter. It made the peanut butter easier to swallow---that's what it was. I nice flavorless addition that soaked up the stickiness of the peanut butter and made it easier to chew. I don't know that I'll ever eat it again, but it wasn't bad.

(Ok, it was probably terrible, but who I am to say so?)

But, if you are tempted to stray from adding raisins on ants on a log...marshmallow is where it's at.

Chocolate? Waste of chocolate. Just eat your vegetables and have dessert later.

Cereal? Okay, cocoa pebbles weren't bad. If you don't have raisins, consider that.

The episode.

My favorite line: Turns out Regina took NWA's greatest hit literally.

Also Ravi: So what if Clive doesn't have an alibi? I don't have an alibi! Oh wait...yes I do...witnesses, too

This episode is painful to watch, so the humor with Clive's love of Game of Thrones and secret talent for cooking is much appreciated. I SHOULD HAVE MADE PO BOYS!

Darn it.

Maybe I'll treat you to that one later.

Uma Voss looks familiar...she is the wife in The Strain. As well as other things. She also has a very minor role in a move I watched below.

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Recommendation of the week: How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town

How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town is a charming comedy about a small Canadian Town and the girl who left it. Jewel Staite (Firefly) is the lead, but I'd say it's more of an ensemble piece with vibrant characters. Jewel Staite plays a sex columnist who moved away from Beaver's Ridge, a town that still uses dial-up internet for fear of access to pornography. She returns to town when her mother dies and her high school friends who once slut-shamed her now convince her to throw them an orgy with her "worldly guidance". It's sexual humor, but not the crude stuff we're used to, but buckle up for a lot of discussion of moistness. I found it charmingly hilarious and sweet.

Also, Donnie from Orphan Black is in it. He's actually my favorite character.

Oh, and go see Into the Spider Verse.

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Here's something that badly needs to be edited. Maybe I'll rewrite it when I make Po Boys.

Her boss would be here any minute. She took another swig of cognac and didn’t choke on it this time. She never understood why people described it as smooth. Fire was never smooth, that she knew. She was a bit of an expert on fire, and as of right now, failure.

She still had time she tried to convince herself.

Her numbers had been low this month...this year. An all-time-low, customers just weren’t coming. That wasn’t her fault. But he didn’t know that. She knew she would take the blame if she didn’t come up with something quick.

She took another swig of cognac. To help her think.

Tomorrow, she could get her numbers up. An earthquake, another fire in California. She could get everyone beating down her doors in a state of emergency. She could finally get customers.

And just like that. The pounding on the door. Her boss stepped in. Eyed the cognac, and took the bottle from her hand. He drained it in one swallow. Looked her straight in the eye.

“You’re fucked.”

“At least that’s not the other F-word.”

He chuckled.

“I’m serious. You broke a record for being such a fuck-up.”

She stood up. The cognac made her brave and she wasn’t going to take this. At least not lying down.

“You know the numbers aren’t my fault.”

He stared at her, considered it. He took a breath before continuing. “People today have no faith. So where do they turn when disaster strikes?”

“Science?”

“To each other. That makes them good. People used to have faith. They were easier to manipulate. Easier to send them down the road of good intention. Now, they lean on each other. They do the right thing….How many intakes have you been letting repent?”

“Not...that many.”

“The papers don’t lie. How many have you let get whisked up to the pearly gates because you let them repent?”

“We’re not allowed to stop them.”

“These people should be unapologetic. Have you been mentioning our loyalty program?”

She skirted around her desk. “There’s the placard right here. They see it when they come in, I don’t need to bore them with the details.”

“Wrong. People don’t read. People don’t find out they’re dead and decide to start reading desk placards. They’re inconsolable...you need to console them with the rewards program, not by letting them repent. You also can’t bring in the fire right away...that scares them.”

“I’m a fire demon. They should be scared!”

This was going better than she expected. He was giving her time to talk. She took advantage. “I’ve been thinking...I know I haven’t met my numbers, but I still have a day. I have tomorrow. I was thinking an Earthquake or fire. Thousands of casualties. Loads of intake. I might even need an assistant.” Good she’d been meaning to pitch that for awhile.

He stared at her. Poker face, not giving away what he thought of this idea. “Earthquake?”

She nodded.

“Fire?”

She nodded.

“Do you know what people do in Earthquakes and Fires?!” And poker face gone. His rage was simmering, coming to a boil. “THEY HELP EACH OTHER.”

She felt herself shrink into the floor.

“Disasters bring more people to true good intention more than anything else. I need a better pitch from you and I need it now.”

She took a deep breath. By the time I finish inhaling, I’ll have thought of something. “li….(shit, shit, shit)mmm….limbo?”

“Limbo.”

“I mean that’s our biggest competitor. Not heaven. Limbo. We shouldn’t stop people from going to heaven, we should poach customers going to limbo. It’s a bigger market.”

He tried to hide his interest. But she had hooked him. Too bad it was an impossible plan.

“How do you propose we do that?”

“We could raid the place. Take all the souls---”

“---No, no.” He brushed it off. “We need to trick them. In a way they can’t suspect. If we break code, they’ll put my sister back in charge and I can’t have that.”

She had forgotten how hard it was to brainstorm with him. On the other hand, if she stalled long enough, he would come up with his own plan and commend himself on how brilliant it was. But then she wouldn’t get the credit. She had to strike first.

“Give me 24 hours. I’ll come up with a proposal to infiltrate limbo. What would the Commissioner do if he found out we put a portal there?”

“We already have a portal there. That’s the deal.” He clacked his talons together. “This has been an unexpectedly productive review. You have 24 hours. If you fail, I’ll put you back on Earth with the recruiters. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have human caviar to relish.”

He disappeared in a puff of smoke. She spied the bottle of Cognac he had emptied. She sighed. 24 hours. That was better than nothing.